


Always running here

by cactusandalily



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: - but actually I can see her spending her day with katya -, M/M, a birthday fic I wrote for trixie, inspired by the story she told about hooking up with some guy on her birthday
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-30 01:00:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12642921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cactusandalily/pseuds/cactusandalily
Summary: Brian’s birthdays seemed like other people’s days, and as it went, August 23rd had turned into just another date on the calendar and not something to look forward to. - A birthday fic for Trixie, inspired by the story of how he ended up on a random guy’s house playing video games and hooking up, because UNHhhh is like a never ending source of trixya prompts.





	Always running here

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally published at ArtificialQueens over at tumblr. Come say hi or talk to me about this at tumblr.com/cactus-and-a-lily !
> 
> He/him pronouns and Brian for Trixie and Katya for Katya because these dorks in love are named the same to make matters worse.

It was no secret that he hated getting older. Some days, especially when he was on the road for a couple of weeks on no end, missing his bed and the chance to feel like a person –and not a person playing a person-, he felt like he was 80. Other days, when he was secluded in his apartment, playing his guitar and scribbling lyrics, he may as well had been that anxious kid of 21 all over again. Some days it felt like he was the luckiest man on earth, finally doing what he loved most, oblivious to the years passing by and how old he was getting, yet goals he had set on himself as a kid unachieved. But his passport read that today was the day he was turning 27, and in all honesty it seemed like a regular normal day. 

He had turned down the opportunity to profit on his birthday like many queens did, taking the opportunity to throw a big party for free and on top of it getting paid to perform. It seemed fun, and certainly a chance to get together with many of his friends who spent as many time as he did on the road, and whom he saw less that he wanted nowadays. He felt like his life was in a halt, personal relationships set aside, his career advancing but his personal one in a coma, waiting to be awoken and jump started. One day of confinement wouldn’t really change that, and the prospect of a Friday night not getting groped by strangers seemed like all he could wish for.  
Birthdays were never a big deal in his home, and so the idea of treating himself to some peace and quiet didn’t strike him like such an odd thing to do (Kim and Katya had teased him at first but understood, while Trannika and Shea still thought they could make Brian change his mind, but stopped texting around noon). When he was little his mum had made sure he always felt special, cooking him his favorite meal and making everyone in the family not eat meat that day as a treat for him, but money was short and neither a big party nor presents were expected. As he had entered college, birthdays were just opportunities to go on fancier dates with the boyfriend of the moment, so now he had a stack of photos of those days that he couldn’t even look at, only remembering the heartbreak that followed and not those nights. Brian’s birthdays seemed like other people’s days, and as it went, August 23rd had turned into just another date on the calendar and not something to look forward to.  
He reflected on where he was five years ago, barely getting by and re investing every dime he made on costumes, make up and instruments. He now had the luxury of declining gigs, even if it was only on this particular day of the year. Christmas, New Years, Fourth of July, he was overbooked – a schedule that made said personal life impossible to develop, and that only those who worked as hard as he did in the business and had the same crazy hours understood.  
He made his mind stop on its tracks because he didn’t want his thoughts to wander over there. For as much as he had convinced himself and everyone around him that he was perfectly fine spending the day on his own, there was somebody who could’ve kept him company and take his mind off this mid-twenties philosophical examination, like he always did when Brian needed to snap out of it. And he wouldn’t have mind, if he was truly being honest. He may had thrown a fit at first, bitching about how he would rather spend the day with Chinese take-out and binge watching AHS again, but he would’ve gave in eventually and enjoyed himself. As Katya had put it once, Brian “always had to say no before he said yes”. He remembered he had laugh his high pitch laugh when his friend had told him that, fully realizing that Katya didn’t know just how on spot he was with that description. 

But it was silly and ingenue to hope for a call or a text since he had made it absolutely clear to his friends that he was spending the day on his own. He had hit the gym, answered a few birthday wishes on twitter and even instagramed a picture -along with a funny RuPaul dig -, saying how glad he was that his Casper mattress was awaiting him to lull him into a peaceful sleep that would welcome the new year in his life.  
He felt a twist in the pit of his stomach, like a sort of gloom and doubt wave, and forced himself to take his mind off the what-could-have-been, cloudy thoughts of curling in his couch with his blonde friend, fighting over which movie to watch on Netflix, Katya over dramatically surrendering to Brian’s choice because it was his birthday. He really tried not to think about his lithe friend, cold hands from having smoked in the balcony, clutching Brian’s own as they fell asleep with the volume nearly on mute, Alicia Silverstone’s Cher a soft murmur in the back.

This was stupid to consider, and Brian knew he had his reasons to shut those feelings deep deep down. He knew that what had started as a meaningless crush, had blown into full on infatuation fed by online speculation and encouragement, was now borderline love. For his sake he had to take all the precautions to keep his heart as intact as he could, this wasn’t the first time he had mulled this over. He knew Katya loved him, but the most painful part of it was just how differently he did, and how impossible it was to merge their two views on relationships. He had gone over this over and over in his mind, winning and loosing an argument that he couldn’t make himself have in real life, the fear of disturbing the fragile calm and unwritten agreement they had. Working alongside him made it even more difficult, and he didn’t want his birthday to be another day where he was left feeling like a sad puppy that followed Katya around with sad eyes and clung to every word that left his mouth, feeling like he was settling for something that would never be enough. 

Almost by habit he opened his Grindr account and was surprised to find a message from a guy he had matched with like a month ago. He had completely forgotten about him since he had told Brian that he had a boyfriend, but was in an open relationship. Brian had mentally checked out at that point, more than occupied with his own messed up kind of open platonic relationship as it was. But the guy was cute, that was undeniable, and in that little text bubble was inviting him over to play video games and drink beer with the both of them. 27 years hadn’t come with no wisdom, and Brian knew inviting him over didn’t sound as innocent as it seemed. “Video games and chill” was the perfect excuse for nerdy guys to hook up, and he wasn’t feeling up for it at the moment. But then, almost as he was about to lock his phone and take a calming shower, the little grey push notification on the top of the screen read a message telling him that he had gotten a photo. He opened it, only to be greeted by an image of a basket full of oreos and what were at least 9 DVDs of the movie Contact. “My fans seem to know just what you like for your birthday and are using me as a cheap messenger”. And then, when Katya had gotten the read notification from him and no answer “I can ditch the offensive film and rent that one with Mel Gibson and the aliens, Tracy”.

He double clicked on his home button and typed a hasty “coming over in 30” as he made his way towards his bathroom. Calm and solitude be damned, he needed to fuck the thoughts out of his mind, or else he was entering 27 making really bad decisions. 

 

——————————-

 

Between getting ready and calling and waiting for an Uber, it had taken almost an hour and a half for Brian to get to Jake’s apartment, not that far from his own little WeHo one bedroom. 60 minutes in which Brian had tossed and turned, wondering if finally his feelings had gotten so strong and undeniable that he literally had to get away from his home and hop on a car to go fuck a stranger just so he could resist the itch to grab his phone and text his friend to come over and cuddle him.  
Grindr guy - Jake, 32, working at informatics; as his profile read - was cute, and greeted him with a grin when he opened the door. Brian notice that his smile didn’t reach his eyes, so maybe he wasn’t the only one feeling hesitant about the whole thing. Jake’s boyfriend was plopped on the couch, a joint in hand and a couple of opened beers stacked on the coffee table. Brian suddenly started having second thoughts about the whole thing, only for his stubborn Virgo side to compel him to go through with what he had came here to do (exactly what was that, his indecisive Leo half wondered quietly). He figured, probably against his better judgment, that the best thing would be to get drunk and get it over with. He wasn’t one to have one night stands usually, but there was something almost stubborn about what was going down that made him stay on his feet, and he knew he just needed to get this done. He needed to tick this off his list, get it done and be gone, back into his house were hopefully his mind wouldn't wander were it shouldn’t. 

Three games of Fire Emblem later and he realized he was just stalling. He felt a shift in the mood and looked up to find Jake staring intensely into his eyes. No sense in dragging the inevitable, so he moved forward, suddenly very aware of the four beers he had chugged down, and tentatively brushed his lips against the crook of Jake’s neck. 

For all the talk of being romance driven he was constantly getting from his friends, he wasn't exactly one to shy away from a good hot encounter. It was true that he had trouble letting his guard down, but once he did he was able to enjoy the moment. Fingers were trailing over the sensitive skin of his collarbone, and in his state of tipsiness he was suddenly brought alert to the fact that he had a set of lips in his neck and another one nibbling at his ear. He supposed college was the reasonable time frame to experiment with a three way, but he had spent those years cuddling with his boyfriends, believing that having sex with someone you loved was impossible to be topped, no pun intended. He leaned to kiss Jake’s boyfriend, who grabbed his face forcibly with pure lust in his eyes, which should have boosted his ego. He always had trouble adapting to a new person, a new set of lips. Well, that wasn't true. There was some people he had kissed and felt an instant connection with, a wave of electricity running through his spine and goosebumps that lasted all the way until the next day. He remembered soft lips that definitely left a red stain on his own, pushing him playfully to enjoy the moment, and a coy smirk that told him that he knew exactly what he did to him.  
He was brought back by an insistent hand cupping his erection. It seemed like even when his mind wasn't 100% on it, his body had no trouble reacting. He shifted in his place, contorted in the couch so that Jake’s hands were roaming beneath his t shirt and the other guy was guiding Brian’s hands towards the elastic of his briefs. Then, as if by a strike of luck, Jake leaned forward to kiss his boyfriend and Brian wondered why they were doing this. Why, if they were lucky enough to find each other, to coincide together in the caos that was this world, would they need to seek out other people to join them. He felt that knot in his stomach again and as if his voice came from someone else, he heard himself saying “I can't do this”. As caught up as they were in one another - even if Jake hand kept palming his bulge over his jeans- they stopped on their tracks and raised an inquiring eye to him. “Im sorry, I shouldn't have come here in the first place” he said, the last trace of alcohol in him disappearing and thinking straight for the first time since he had crossed that door. Jake tried to reason with him - Brian couldn’t even recall the words - but his boyfriend resumed his cold attitude from before, clearly given up on the night. 

Brian made an excuse about a bad reaction to Thai food and climbed down the set of stairs, not even bothering to call a car, walking a few blocks and feeling the cold summer air hit his face, trying to will his thoughts in order. He had turned 27 years, and it seemed like it was about time to stop running away from his feelings and finally face what was going on, at least until his reasonable side would out rule his heart again and all his doubts and excuses could came rushing back.  
He stopped a cab on the streets and only realized he had given the driver the address as they were pulling up to a 10 floor building in a quiet street, not that far from his own place. He knew he would better figure out what he was feeling and what his being there meant, the clock on the cab still running. He let out a breath he didn’t realized he was holding, and told himself that for once he didn’t have to be an adult. He had over thunk turning older so much that he didn’t realized he was always biding himself to be precautious and sensible. Making the good choice be damn, it looked like the course of events had lead him there. He didn’t believe in destiny or fate or an all knowing presence guiding his actions, but deep down it felt right to be exactly where he was.  
He knocked on the door and felt a different kind of nervous, so unlike before, so different than waiting outside an stranger’s house. He never knew what he was getting when it came to Katya, but he could always be sure that it would feel familiar. He felt at home, felt at ease with his life and his turning older for the first time since that morning. 

Messy hair and inquiring eyes greeted him at the door, and a warm smile - he could always count on that smile. Why had he been running? A part of him always knew he was going to end up at that very door, coming up with excuses that neither of them believed, but played along nonetheless. There were still things to say, but he was willing to use the birthday card if it meant buying him more time in the in-between.  
“So this is the night, huh? Finally?” Katy said softly, like he was afraid any of his words may make Brian leave and pretend like he hadn't shown up at his doorstep at 1 in the morning. “Im okay to go, Tracy. Are you okay to go?” Brian laughed at the reference he always pretended he didn’t get and just said “roll the tape idiot, I’m still telling everyone I've never seen that movie”


End file.
